KOFFEE

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

2006-10-22T08:39:00.000-07:00

My best friend emailed me that question - here's my response:

I would do a mulititude of things like........
Quit my job in corporate america to write a best seller - start a non-profit organization - and of course travel the world while I was at it.

I liked the quote because many people (including myself) allow fear to control their lives. Remember fear is of the Devil - and the Devil is a Liar.
"I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me" Phillipians 4:13
remind yourself of this any time fear threatens to consume you...

Now you answer. I would love to hear from you...

-Koffee

really good read from dailyom.com

2006-09-26T17:49:00.000-07:00

Against The GrainG
Going Against What Is Popular

Just because an idea or way of doing things is popular doesn't mean it's right for everyone. However, part of the way that something becomes popular is that many of us don't take the time to determine what's right for us; we simply do what most of the people we know are doing. In this way, our decisions about life are made by default, which means they aren't what we call conscious decisions. There may be many other options available, but we don't always take the time to explore them. This may be the result of feeling overwhelmed or pressured by family, peers, and humanity at large, to do things their way, the way things have always been done. Regardless of the cause, it is important that, as often as we can, we decide for ourselves what to do with our lives rather than just drift along on the current of popular opinion.

It is not always easy to make decisions that go against the grain. Many people feel threatened when those close to them make choices divergent from the ones they are making. Parents and grandparents may be confused and defensive when we choose to raise our children differently from the way they raised us. Friends may feel abandoned if we decide to change our habits or behavior. Meanwhile, on our side of the fence, it's easy to feel frustrated and defensive when we feel unsupported and misunderstood simply because we are thinking for ourselves. It can be exhausting to have to explain and re-explain our points of view and our reasons.

This is where gentleness, openness, and tolerance come into play. It helps if we are calmly persistent, consistent, and clear as we communicate to those around us why we are making the choices we are making. At the same time, we have the right to say that we are tired of talking about it and simply need our choices to be respected. Our lives belong to us and so do our decisions. Those who truly love us will stand by us and support our choices, never mind what's popular.

www.dailyom.com

because k.i.m. did it & its hella fun, do it with me

2006-09-01T13:46:00.001-07:00

tag just 3.
.... everyone who reads this, who wants to, to ask me 3 questions. Ask me anything you want and I will answer them as honestly and completely as I can (No caveat, you will get an answer). Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this, allowing your friends (including me) to ask you anything...

Shelle asked
1. you live in atx, correct...have you ever been to neosoul and have we met?
yes & no

2. worse memory of a man or a woman?
as a child seeing someone flip out on dope - its traumatizing & 'till this day I
have a phobia of ALL drugs! I cant even watch someone on tv do serious drugs.

3. what do you think of yourself? - I think myself as being that rose that grew from the concrete - despite the elements that threatend to destroy its hope it survived.
I survived which makes me a survivor & strong : )

Raiden asked...
1. What's the worse thing you've ever done? - I'm such a square when it comes to
mischief (prison scares me & karma is a mutha) so I'd have to say lie

2. What's your favorite memory? - my most recent favorite memory is my trip i took
to NY (the story as to why its so memorable is too long to write about/besides u
didnt ask : )

3. If you had just one wish what would you wish for? end world hunger

Sangindiva asked...

1. If there were no worries about money- wha would you do with your life? - travel the world & buy a house somewhere in the us virgin islands

2. If you could change anything about your life- what would it be? - i'd change some of the poor decisions i've made. but then if i did that i wouldnt be the person i am today. soooo lets see - i'd be rich, that way i wouldnt have to work & i could write & travel everyday!

3. Who is Koffee? a lover, sister, best friend, writer, day dreamer, shop-a-holic, sensitive, loyal black woman!

rapport

2006-08-20T21:33:00.000-07:00

i regret we've lost our tempo
we're no longer on beat
our bodies don't move to the same rhythm
hold on, wait a minute, let me watch your steps
lets not continue to step on each others feet
tell me the direction you are going ...and i will follow you there
teach me your moves so i can become one with your groove
i want to get there..

random affairs

2006-08-03T18:45:00.000-07:00

So caught up in his rapture -
that at the height of his epitome
I came
Love flowed down like flood
rain
encompassing my body leaving
love stains
remnants of our love making
turned strange
.."Excuse me but I didn't catch your name"

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT...

IF I CAME TO YOUR HOUSE AND STOLE YOUR PRECIOUS JEWELS YOU'D BE READY TO BEAT MY A**.
IF I STOLE YOUR CHECK AND FORGED YOUR NAME & CASHED IT YOU'D BE READY TO BEAT MY A**
I'M SENSITIVE ABOUT MY WRITING - IT MAY NOT BE THE BEST BUT ITS MINE - YOU MAY
NOT EVEN FEEL ITS THAT SERIOUS - REGARDLESS DONT REPOST OR STEAL MY WORK. I WANT TO TRY SOMETHING NEW WITH MY BLOG - BEING THAT I LOVE WRITING & I WANT TO SHARE WITH THE WORLD - I THINK I AM GOING TO START POSTING BITS AND PIECES OF THINGS...I'M VERY APREHENSIVE ABOUT IT...BECAUSE THIS IS BLOGLAND, A FREE FOR ALL IF YOU WILL. IM SURE Y'ALL UNDERSTAND. WHAT I DO ASK IF I DO CONTINUE DOWN THIS PATH OF SHARING MY WORK - PLEASE PLEASE COMMENT - SAY WHAT U LIKE, DIDN'T LIKE YADA YADA YADA. TODAYS POST WAS JUST A POEM I KNOW BUT I'D LIKE TO POST OTHER STUFF TOO...SO THERE ARE MY RULES - NO STEALING, NO DUPLICATING, REVISING-REWORDING-PARAPHRASING-PERPERTRATING-NONE OF THAT BS! COMMENTS & FEED BACK ARE ALWAYS WELCOME!

I'm worth $205

2006-07-16T20:28:00.000-07:00

Someone emailed this to me & it was fun....I want you to do it too

Okay so here's the deal. You look it over and see how many of these things you have done, BUT you have to add up the money amount along the way, then post the amount that you are as the title such as "$15" or "im worth $78" or something like that. Max worth is $515.50

Smoked pot-- $10
Got drunk, passed and dont remember the night before-- $20
Went skinny dipping-- $5
Had sex in a pool-- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex-- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex $20
Cheated on your g/f or b/f -- $10
Cheated on your g/f or b/f with their relative or close friend--$20
done oral-- $5
got oral-- $5
done / got oral in a car while it was moving --$25
prank called the cops-- $5
Stole something-- $10
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars--$20
Had sex with someone 10 years older-- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 nd you are over 27--$25
Cried yourself to sleep-- $5
Cried during sex--$20
Been in love-- $25
Been in love with two ppl or more at the same time --$50
Said you love someone but didnt mean it-- $25
Went streaking-- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight --$15
Been arrested-- $5
Spent time in jail --$15
Peed in the pool-- $0.50
Played spin the bottle-- $5
Done something you regret-- $20
Had a crush on your best friend--$5
Had sex with your best friend --$20
Had a crush on someone at work --$5
Had sex with someone you work with at work --$25
Lied to your mate --$5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good --$25

Is God Is Tryna Tell Me Something, if so what is it???

2006-07-16T19:21:00.000-07:00

time has been zooming by in turbo speed. i've laced up my running shoes trying to keep up..except my legs won't move fast enough. the innerchild in me still invisions trees filled with ripe fruit...that represent my dreams manifesting into something great, and full of substanance.

have you ever felt so overwhelmed that you didn't know where to begin? all you knew is that you needed to do something....that something is the contributing factor to you getting to the next place you need to be in life. the otherside of the mountain. on the other side is the promised land. on the other side is the life God placed you on this earth to live. He equipped me with the tools to get there (the other side) except I'm clumsy with my hands, self doubt keeps haunting me & I second guess myself. I abandoned the tools he gave me & I try an alternative route. Only to find my self back @ square one.

i'm continously working on patience.

`````````````````
this came to me in 3's....... a couple of days & a week apart...
dream 1
I am pregnant, I don't know how I got pregnant or who the father is. I go on a quest to find out who the father of my child is....and how & when I became pregnant.

dream 2
I try to abort my baby. But I can't. There are these invisible forces that prevent me from aborting it. I even tried to go to Mexico where the cost of abortions are dirt cheap, where no one would know my name...there I would get rid of my seed. I never made it to Mexico.

dream 3
My child is born. I am still trying to get rid of it. I drop her off at random places. I even give her away. But as soon as I turn my back, the baby is back in my arms. I couldn't get rid of her.

I wonder what this is supposed to mean? i've tried dream dictionaries. but i can't figure it out. i'm not superstitous though i do believe things do happen in 3's! imagine that....

codependency

2006-05-04T13:41:00.000-07:00

i have an issue with codependency and i was considering seeking therapy to help me conquer this demon. my ex (not to be confused w/who my prior blogs have been about) - and i have been friends for 10 years (maybe even longer) we've had our share of falling outs but-till this day we talk daily.

on top of my passion to become an established writer - i've also wanted to move to another city - hmmm about 3 1/2 hrs from where i live now. any ways i have this crippling fear of leaving.
#1. i dont wanna leave mr. ex behind #2. i have no fam or friends there. in a lot of ways he is my family.

today for the millionth time i posed the ? to my ex about me moving & if he minded.
why am i asking him permission to move? well - i ask his advice b4 i do most things & it drives him insane. as usual he became annoyed. and basically said move already. i asked him why he seemed so nonchalant about it - after all we are best friends & if he left i would want or even ask for him to stay. his response?

i'm not selfish like you. i'm sure you will succeed where ever you go, and i'm sure we'll continue to talk like we always do - and i'm sure i'll be around as always.

what is the hold he has on me?

lets just say when i didnt have fam to turn to when we were growing up - his fam took me in - he's always had my back even now that we arent 2gether. i suffer from seperation anxiety - it could be tied to the fact that my own mother abandoned me as a child. and then i was tossed to wolves who pretended to have my best interest at heart but - let me down. but damn i'm a grown a** woman now - i cant continue to use that as my excuse - as to why i have clingy tendencies. and its not just w/him but other people in my life. my close friends tend to tolerate it because they know my past & all the bs i went through as a child.

im one of those folks that need constant reassurance other wise i will think something terrible of myself. outside of my ex, my best friend who is now married w/kids w/a fab ass carreer - is the only other long term constant in my life. if that makes sense.

i talk mad shit about independence - self love - reinventing yourself as a woman - yada yada yada....but look at me!!!!!!! i want to get over this crutch but i dont know how.

and you know this mayn

2006-05-01T18:33:00.000-07:00

i know most of my blogs are about relationship(s) mine any ways and as soon as i come up with something else to write about i will.

now normally i dont participate in male bashing sessions (despite my recent fiasco) - and the reason i'll say again is because i dont believe all men are the same. but i kinda got caught up in this one & found myself on the outside cuz some of my views on the male species are much different than a lot of my girl friends.

ok here's the deal an associate was boo-hooing over her ex who she dated for 2 yrs - their relationship ended abruptly and next thing you know he's married to one of her associates she'd introduced him to. amazingly enough her anger wasnt so much directed at sista girl but because she feels she wasted 2yrs of her life with ol'boy who promised to marry her but never did.
all she wants to know is why her! she's a bald head pigeon w/kids. he said he didnt want kids.
back ground: he's a habitual lair & cheat - a fact she lightly treads on.

i associated with her pain. but my reasoning was this and this may sound harsh - its this simple - appearantly there was something about this chic that he fell in love with that perhaps he couldn't or didn't see in you. there isnt anything wrong with you. so dont even fall into the trap of comparing yourself to this other woman. take it as his loss & your gain because why spend another second w/a habitual liar & cheat? why try to be w/someone who doesnt want to be with you - that's energy that could be used to reinvent your self!

we will never know what goes on in men's head. the problem sometimes isnt the men its us. men are not as complex as we make them out to be. a lot of times men will even tell us up front hey, i don't want a serious relationship. or they will show us with their actions that we are not their main squeeze/priority. we ignore them. no means yes to us & we fall into the role of girlfriend wanna be wifey then loose our cool when ol' boy shows his ass. did he really play us or did we play our selves, by ignoring the obvious?

take me for example - i knew the guy i was messing around w/for about 1 1/2 was going to break my heart. you ask how i know? - it was just a gut feeling i had in my heart. i can't explain it - i've never been able to put my finger on it or even shake. my instinct was right. he did just what i knew he would do.

life lesson - if we can only learn to be honest with ourselves & LISTEN we can save ourselves a lot of heartache. i wish i had of listened and ran like hell! which is exactly what my instinct told me to do RUN!

now if only i can take my own advice! but hell, who can?????????????????

sangindiva made me do it

2006-04-19T14:35:00.000-07:00

thanks ms sangindiva for taggin me -

In this tag I must tell 6 "quirky"or unknown things about myself...and then tag 6 more people to do the same...
here i go...let me warn ya im kinda boring - but ill keep the spirit of the tag goin'

1. i'm scared of the dark (and i'm a grown a** woman!)

2. bannanas are my favorite fruit & i eat them daily even though they make my tongue swell
just a little bit...i think its an allergic reaction.

3. i go to the bathroom the same time every night no lie & i run to the bathroom because
i have this fear when i put my feet on the floor that something under my bed will grab my
feet ....eeek im one scurry biatch

4. i can eat tuna & hotdogs (on sandwich bread) everyday - its a delicacy im tellin' ya

5. i get creeped out by cracked doors - it either has to be opened or closed all the way

6. i'm a closet freak...the kind that you can only see w/a trained eye...not to be confused with
a hoe - but we could be related (lol)

(see the different levels of hodom this is some wild stuff there www.wgggb.blogspot.com i may just steal the post & put it on here is that legal - r there any blog rules of etiquette???? hmm)

sex for companionship

2006-04-13T19:16:00.000-07:00

i did it i laid on my back and spread them wide
i exchanged sex for companionship
too afraid to be alone
too desperate to just say no
i gave it up
put it out there
got sexed up
and i'm still alone

damn it's kinda throwed now that i sit back and think about it. i dont feel used. i don't feel abused. it wasnt just him calling asking for it - i did it too. i'm aggressive i'm not sexually passive. so what i try to explain to my girl friends is that - sometimes depending on our situation - or our frame of mind no matter how skewed it may be - we allow ourselves to be subjected to certain kinds of treatment. for me it was sex. i knew if i offered my body he'd come - he'd fill my womb - we'd get to share small exchanges - that i'd scribble down in my memory to disect when he was gone while smelling his scent on my linens. damn the things women will some times do for companionship. i dont feel bad about it. i'm not a whore or a slut or any other deragatory names or persona - i am a woman with needs. i allowed my low self esteem to get in the way of what i really needed - i exchanged sex for companionship because at the time i really felt that i needed it - i really felt that i needed something. when all along the something that i really needed was me - to love - to cherish - and to honor me. i slipped up - and got caught up in the hype of our passionate sessions that had my ass like whoa. but it's all good - we all make mistakes - we all find ourselves between rocks and hard places. its how we get out of those places. and how we do that all depends on the love and the perception we have of our selves.

time change .... feeling all purple n blue n green in stuff

2006-04-12T07:19:00.000-07:00

i dont know what it is but ever since the time change (yes that has to be what it is) my tail can't get up to save my life! today i damn near slept through my alarm clock. i woke up 10 minutes till i had to be at work - and mind you its a 35-40 minute drive to get to my job from where i live - add traffic - the 18 wheelers that refuse to drive in their respective lanes & ohhhh the lights - good grief it takes me at least a good 6-7 minutes for me to get out of my neighborhood EEEEK! sooo what did sista like me do? hell i just laid back down & went to sleep. i actually feel guilty about not going to work LORD knows I need the $$$!

soooooo since i'm chillin at the crib today i decided i should be productive -
***write
i didnt write yesterday like i was supposed to i promised myself a minimum of 2 hrs writing each day - which for me flies by fast - hmm what was the deal yesterday i was dizzy - im not sure what that was about but i was driving home and all of a sudden i felt like i was going to pass out - i made it home and did like my momma used to tell us to do growing up when we said we didnt feel good - drank some water and laid down somewhere! yes that was the remedy for everything (perhaps for us getting on her nerves too!)

***clean up - i have to clean up 1st cuz i cant concentrate in a dirty house

***do something about my wig - i been running round here looking like one of the marley brothers w/my nappy matted head and all YIKES and im such a pretty girl (LOL)

***apply for a part time gig. YES my plans to leave the plantation are still under way BUT there's been a couple of wrenches thrown in there - so before i live off the fruit of the land i have to make sure all my ducks are in a row - i.e. - getting rid of unpaid debt, and ofcourse start stashing some more $$ into my savings account........................it's kinda dreary outside - the perfect weather to be a couch potato but not me....im gonna get it while the gettin is good cuz tommorow back to the plantation of the overworked and underpaid i go!

how you know you've had enough?

2006-04-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

when your ducts of your eyes don't itch - causing tears to rain down the sides of your face - to the tip of your tongue letting you taste its salty pain.

i've had enough. but i won't allow my self to wallow in the pain. and i just know this time is different. this time i didn't cry. this time my body didn't quake when he went away. this time my mind didn't wonder deranged like looking for pieces of a puzzle that didn't fit.
i've had enough because my soul has let go. my heart has mended. my mind has closed doors. no longer receptive to the wicked games men play with the heart. my ears hear no more. so when he says im sorry, im going to do better, just wait and you will see. i don't wait. i keep going and going because his false promises no longer phase me - they no longer pacify me - they no longer have me holding on to tiny threads - to beads of hope of what if.

i've had enough. i can't take any more. my soul is tipsy. my cup is over flowing it's about to explode into some real colloquial ass shyt that puts an end to all the bull shit.

it's all comming together...

2006-03-17T08:12:00.000-08:00

it's all coming together. when i close my eyes i can literally visualize my destiny unfold.
when i'm riding in my car - i let down my windows and i take in all the fresh air - the air represents freedom that is sure to be mine very soon.

i've been taking baby steps towards leaving the plantation. i've begun preparing myself mentally for the road ahead. i'm trying desperately to adopt a new out look on life - and putting everything in God's hands. i am a control freak. i'm a big planner. i thrive on purpose & direction. not to be in control is scary. giving up control is something i hate to do because that means anything could happen and i can't do anything about it. part of my new outlook is reminding myself GOD is in control, and unlike humans i can hand over him the anchor and he will not lead me astray. this has been a very hard task for me to do. i'm lacking in some areas of faith.

my time is up on the plantation. but fear & lack of faith compels me to hold out a little bit longer.
the idea of finding another job in corp america has never crossed my mind. simply because why leave one plantation to go to another one? the grass is still the same burnt orange color underneath the green spray paint.
i've heard of many people who have quit their jobs in corp america to pursue their dreams. i've never read any stories of ones that have failed at doing so.
maybe its because when you are living your life's purpose you can't help but succeed?

i'm about to jump. i'm scared to fall, what if i fall too hard? what if there is no one to catch me? what will i eat? what will i drink? how will i pay my bills? what if i never write anything note worthy? what if no one knows i exist? off the top of my head i can list 9 people who i know without a doubt would support my writing - those 9 people i plan to appeal to as my fans - but that’s just 9 people. if i were popular then i would have little room for failure i'd have this cheering squad (or should i say entourage) around me at all time as my hype people (to conceal my insecurity)..and everyone would think me to be marvelous!

i'm scared and yet i'm still moving full speed ahead. those baby steps have turned into sprints. i'm knocking on doors (opportunity) and yelling let me in - i'm ready! i can do this...let me prove to you that this is what i was born to do...write until my fingers bleed.

dishonesty ruins everything

2006-03-12T06:26:00.000-08:00

from my recent fiasco which i've decided to entitle 'dishonesty ruins everything' - i went through a lot of emotional turmoil. i experienced some blows to the heart, and i learned alot of valuable lessons to take with me into my next endeavors.

first of all i've never been a man basher - simply because i've never believed all men are dogs, nor are all men the same. perhaps it is us that keeps attracting the wrong kind of men?

this relationship was unique (not sure if thats the right word) in the sense that no matter what our issues my guy always managed to try to build me up. he raved about how proud he was of me, about how he always liked the fact that i am always on this quest for self improvement, he made me feel loved. physically he made me feel desired, beautiful even! he challenged me mentally - and dared me to think on higher levels. his hugs were my favorite. he'd take me in his arms & squeeze me tight. and his kisses? we kissed as though it could be the last time. perhaps these are the reasons i fell in love with him?

i still love my guy. and as strange as this may sound to some as i believe he loves me too. i won't dare venture to say to what depth this man loves me but i know he does. there are somethings i regret about our relationship - the way it began (a 1 nighter, that led into a 2 year relationship). and then the pretense how we'd continue on. if i could do it again i would except we'd start out on a different foot but since we aren't starting over again i am accepting it for what it was and learning from the lessons i was taught, from the things that made our relationship unique and hendered its growth:

1. honesty - in terms of how do i really feel. what is it that i really want out of this relationship.

2. baggage/insecurity - you have to relieve yourself of any emotional baggage in order to go to the next level with someone new.

3. trust - i was afraid to trust him. i was afraid to get hurt. (more baggage/insecurity)

i am glad this is over. yet, i am happy to have had the experience.
where am i now? on cloud 9. i feel good - i can breath again. i've been taking positive steps towards leaving the plantation & focusing on school & my career YIPPEE! i've recieved so much positive affirmations from God and my friends it is mind blowing.

Speechless

2006-02-24T21:07:00.000-08:00

I wrote down all the things that I wanted to say, that I had to say, in order to help me release.
Then I rewrote them for clarity. I wanted to make sure that I got all the pertinent points across. I needed to ensure that I chose all the words fitting to express how I felt inside. Then I rehearsed them - making sure I paused where emphasis was needed & articulated each syllable to ensure there was no misunderstandings. Then I called. And it was all good except he answered his phone. I wasn't prepared for him to answer his phone.

I stumbled across my words. Suddendly every thing became a blur. Nothing was for certain any more except the fact that once again I was speechless.

Have you ever known someone that had the power to take your breath away - to make you lose your train of thought simply by the sound of their voice. Or better yet to cause your insides to quake just at the sight of them. He does that to me. I feel like a little school girl experiencing her first crush on the 'older' man. My words become gibberish mush in my mouth. I figet nervously. My words began to slur into a low, incomprehensible mumble. I lose control over the conversation that I am trying desperately to dominate because I need to say these things!

Damn this man! It happens everytime we talk. The words sit right on the tip of my tongue but no matter how hard I try they never seem to come out right. I never say exactly what I want to say because suddenly I am speechless.

I broke down and called him. Furious at how he has wedged distance between us, and angry that I allowed myself to love him - I needed to say my peace. A peace that I honestly don't feel will make a difference - but that I needed to say it any way so that I could - relax-release-forgive-and let go.

I didn't get to say what I had planned to say. He said everything he needed to say.
While I was left speechless.

letting go

2006-02-22T13:36:00.000-08:00

When you haven't forgiven those who've hurt you, you turn your back against your future. When you do forgive, you start walking forward. - Tyler Perry

recently someone i really cared about hurt me. their blows have been constant throughout our relationship. i've come to expect their dissapointment - as a natural occurance.

this time was different however. for the 1st time i found my self biting my tongue. the outspoken me turned sappy instead of saying how i really felt i opted to keep it to myself.
i had a mental melt down instead - lying in the dark on my sofa i let it all out. long - exasperate -somebody's trying to kill me - ugly - wake up the neighbors - obnoxious - somebody please call 911 kinda of sobs.

when someone hurts you, do you tell them - even though you know it won't make a difference?
i gave all of me, and in turn i got pissed on. and it hurts. never again.

milk of my oppression

2006-02-16T15:32:00.000-08:00

My goal? 'To detach my lips from the tits of Corporate America'

i was feeling rebellious today. i contemplated runing away from the plantation. all day i kept my eyes and ears peeled for the perfect opportunity to make a mad dash toward the door. i've been having away at the chains around my ankles for sometime now and i got them loose enough to where i can slide my feet out of them with ease. its this damn breast milk that keeps my mind all clouded up so that i cant think too clearly. sorta like the way crack has nuccas sucking on them glass things...when all they really want to do is fly. all i really want to do is fly. in the mean time i just keep sucking. i keep burping up curdled milk.....

on to happier news....
i bought new batteries for my vibe! omg i cant wait! i think i may be a little abnormal....one time....i was soooooooooooo horny i masterbated in the front seat of my car while waiting for my friend to get a hair cut....huh???!!!!! it was my 1st time...and i must say a very exhilerating experience!

...my friend still hasn't called me.

i feel purple

2006-02-15T16:50:00.000-08:00

I just figured out I have a problem. When some people are depressed they eat. I shop. This is pretty bad...especially when you spend money you don't have!!!! and buy clothes you probably will never wear....hmmm

I’m hurting and I’m not even sure how to deal with the pain. I want to grab it around the neck and shake it until it tells me everything that I want to know. I want to yell at it until I turn blue in the face. I want to demand answers and give it less than 60 seconds to tell me what I want to know before I literally die on the inside from this pain.

I feel so foolish for feeling this way. For loving this man the way I do. I pray I say God if this isn’t love? I pray I say God if this isn’t the right man let me know. Send down a bolt of lightening if you will. Put my heart at peace – but the kind of peace that only you can give.

It’s all in the knowing. And I feel foolish for knowing things that have yet to be spoken; things that have never been openly acknowledged or even materialized into some kind of proof that I can touch, see and taste or have even graced my ears. It’s like a feeling that I know that I know that I know. And I want to slap my own self senseless because it doesn’t make sense. How on earth can I say a man loves me who has yet to speak the words? How is it that I feel like I can read his mind body and soul? Why do I continue to reach when my arm simply isn't long enough? Why do I continue to hold his hand like vice grips when he deliberately rubs vaseline on his hands and between his fingers so we can't form a tight grip? Why do I even bother caring if he's closed off his heart to caring. It’s almost as if we are kindred spirits because I can feel him...he's my favorite movie..or even commercial when it comes on I sing it ... I recite every line everytime .....on queue...I say the punch line before its spoken...I ruin the best part for you because that's what junkies do...I can recite him in my sleep...I feel him when he's not near me...it's like we're kindred spirits...but maybe its just me

Dang. This is pretty ridiculous. I’m here hurting like hell and not knowing what to do with the pain I feel.. At some point you have to use good common sense. You have to think rationally. I have to constantly remind myself not to miss this man. I have to constantly remind myself why I shouldn’t call him. I have to constantly recite all the mean things he’s said and done to me so I can anger all over again. I actually thought if I kept reminding myself…if I kept reliving the pain that somehow it would all come together. One day viola I would fall out of love with him. One day I would wake up and not remember his name. One day I would see him on the street but not recall his face. I wouldn’t hurt any more. I wouldn’t crave the sound of his voice, or his masculine hands holding me in his arms. If only my mind could remember to recall the pain and forget the happier days. Then maybe....then maybe I can deal with this pain.

It’s getting the best of me. I’m missing him more and more everyday.